just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
