Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
