He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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