chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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