I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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