New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
