I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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