chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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