I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
