I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
