Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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