Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
