Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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