How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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