grandma shit on top of the toilet
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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