I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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