On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
