Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
