totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
