I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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