My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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