so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
