It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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