so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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