One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm like, not good at living.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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