I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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