my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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