She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
