I saw his package. It spoke to me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
