I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
