Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
