Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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