If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
