can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
