if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
