"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
