I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my liver is dry heaving
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
