she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
