Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize