Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
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