Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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