I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
