So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
