Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
