I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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