If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
