How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
