I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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