i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
