My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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