Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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