i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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