Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just high enough for therapy.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
40s are totally the cure
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
