just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
