I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
