btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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