It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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