I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
