Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
a search helicopter?!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
