she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
