All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
