My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
